Why Short-Term Pessimism and Long-Term Optimism Is The Only Way to Date

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You may have heard me talk about short-term pessimism and long-term optimism.

I mention it in my Believe in Love program and I firmly believe it’s the only way to date.

Basically, don’t expect anything from any one guy, because chances her the next man you meet is not your future husband. But if you keep dating regularly, chances are high that you’ll finally meet your future husband.

I think short-term pessimism/long-term optimism is nuanced and almost unassailable in its logic since it adheres to what we see in the world. Most guys aren’t right for you. Don’t sweat it and move on. Keep moving until you find one guy who is worthy.

Enter Dr. Martin Seligman, author, psychologist and godfather of happiness studies.

In the above-linked piece for GQ, Seligman talks about how your brain is wired for pessimism but emphasizes how you can train it to be more optimistic.

Some key takeaways:

I think the good thing about meditation—mindfulness, concentrating on the present, detaching—is as good anti-anxiety, anti-anger tools.

“When you look at pessimistic people, probably the single [most-telling] hallmark is they think that bad events are permanent and that they’re unchangeable. So what learned optimism is all about is recognizing that you’re saying that to yourself, and then realistically arguing against it.”

“I think the good thing about meditation—mindfulness, concentrating on the present, detaching—is as good anti-anxiety, anti-anger tools. But one of the costs of accepting fate, accepting that you can’t go on and do something good in the future, correlates highly with physical illness, shorter life span, less accomplishment at work. So, it’s a good anti-anxiety tool often, but it’s got a lot of costs as well.”

“Education is important, and books like Steve Pinker’s Enlightenment Now, which take people through the statistics, are important. And we don’t do very well with those. But what we do well with is tragic stories on the headlines. The anecdote to “if it bleeds, it leads” is actually the statistics on human well-being, which, by every statistic I know, is much better than it was 200 years ago.”

I concur wholeheartedly.

I love my readers but there’s a big difference between blog/newsletter readers and clients who invest in coaching.

Those who invest in coaching don’t believe that bad events are permanent.

Those who invest in coaching don’t believe they have to accept their fate as singles.

Those who invest in coaching are open to objective facts, even when their life experience and feelings are telling a completely different story.

And that’s why those who invest in coaching get results. 

As a reality-based dating coach, I appreciate and empathize when people are down dating. But if the opposite sex is always to blame and the inevitable result of relationships is bound to be heartbreak, there’s no point in continuing to pursue them.

And that’s what many people conclude. I wish I could save them all.

But believing the best of people and taking action is pretty much the main difference between the people who remain single and the people who find love.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.


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